1 down, 80 to go.

29 Aug

This weekend, the Dairy Man and I celebrated our one year wedding anniversary. As old(er) people say, “My, how time flies!”

It’s hard to believe I’ve been living this country life for an entire year. I can’t really consider myself a newbie anymore. Though, honestly, that ship already sailed the day I started explaining the difference between a heifer, cow, steer, and bull to my boss.

The past year feels like a great accomplishment. It was challenging and frustrating, but it was also filled with unspeakable joy and love. I am more in love with the Dairy Man today than I was on our wedding day. Now that we’ve gotten a chance to get our hands dirty in this thing called marriage, we are even more certain in this life we’re building together.

Unlike many newlyweds, I don’t think that the Dairy Man and I entered marriage with our eyes glazed over with love and rainbows. We’ve always been fairly realistic people. We didn’t enter into marriage lightly or with unreasonable expectations. And I think that’s what has sustained us through this crazy year.

Over the past 365 days, we lived in two different houses in two different locations. We went through harvest season, planting season, and a whole lot of hay cutting. We began the (never-ending) process of renovating our farmhouse. We started a new dairy. We completely gutted and renovated our milking parlor. We lost two beloved grandparents. We got a dog. We joined a church and made new friends.  We lived through power outages, blizzards, 3 a.m. phone calls, passionate disagreements, runaway cows, and one very expensive trip to IKEA.

This year has been tumultuous and unstable. But it has also been rewarding and reassuring. Somehow our farmer/urbanite love has blossomed into a beautiful marriage.

I still remember something my mom said to me a few months after my wedding. The Dairy Man was in the midst of starting the new dairy. I barely saw him and felt marginalized, alone, and unimportant. I was sick of coming second to the dairy. While the Dairy Man was working 15 hour days, I was saddled with keeping everything else together. I resented it all. I hadn’t signed up to do everything myself. But when I lamented this to my mom, she said,

Jess, in a marriage you can’t be so concerned about things being perfectly 50/50. You both have to give 100 percent–all of the time. Things aren’t always going to be equal. You might have to take turns carrying the other. But you should both always try to give 100 percent. That’s what love is.”

My mother is very smart and her advice stuck with me. An egalitarian marriage (as I hoped for) is a great idea, but real life isn’t always that neat and tidy. You can’t just give 50 percent and stop giving. Sometimes we have to pick up each other’s slack. If you go into marriage thinking that things will always be fair and perfectly equal, you’re in for a rude awakening. Especially if you marry a farmer. We will spend our lives trying to find balance.

My happiness required that I accept this. I had to learn flexibility, patience, and grace. I had to be ok with giving more than 50 percent some of the time. On the flip side, the Dairy Man had to shake off years of putting the farm first and learn what it was like to be married.  He had to learn how to prioritize, say no, and invest in life outside of the farm. We’re getting there.

To my husband, thank you for the past year. Today, like that day a year ago, you are it. You are everything. You’ve turned my life upside down and it’s the best thing that has ever happened to me. I may live in the boondocks and have a home that smells faintly of cow manure, but I still feel like myself. Stilettos and all.

Bring on the next 80 years.

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16 Responses to “1 down, 80 to go.”

  1. Misty 08/29/2011 at 9:16 am #

    congrats to you both! you both deserve the best!

  2. Shirley Bareman 08/29/2011 at 10:20 am #

    Jess and Kyle. Congratulations! Your mom gave some great advice about marriage. It is all about giving your all 100 Percent of the time. God bless you both!

  3. Marie Baars 08/29/2011 at 10:37 am #

    I just found your blog via an article in the Progressive Dairyman magazine and I am quite excited. I have a very crazy similar story to yours! My husband and I got married 10 months ago and began dairy farming ( neither of us have a dairy background but we did grow up in the country) 6 months ago. It has been very emotionally difficult but also really rewarding and fun. Anyways, its really cool to be able to relate soo well to you!

    • the modern farm wife 08/31/2011 at 9:03 pm #

      Hi, Marie! I never realized how many people like me were out there. Are you and your husband starting a dairy or did you buy an existing facility?

  4. josh 08/29/2011 at 12:36 pm #

    adorable.

  5. Mom 08/29/2011 at 5:26 pm #

    Jess and Kyle I love you both and am so proud of the growth I’ve seen in you both. Life is so much fun with your best friend.

  6. Carla 08/31/2011 at 12:36 pm #

    Congrats! I’m enjoying reading your blog.

    Carla, from truthordairy.blogspot.com (also in MI!)

    • the modern farm wife 08/31/2011 at 8:59 pm #

      Thanks, Carla! I’ll have to start checking yours out as well! I love the name. :)

  7. Nancy Pyle 08/31/2011 at 10:49 pm #

    My husband and I also found your blog through the Progressive Dairyman. I’d say our story is very similar as I’m a city girl married to a hard-working farmer. We’ve made it almost seven years, and three kids later, we are still going strong. It is nice to know that there are other young couples out there facing a similar journey. God’s blessings on many more years together!

    • the modern farm wife 09/05/2011 at 10:04 pm #

      Nancy – I am so encouraged each time I hear from others who live the same life I do! Thank you for reading and for sharing your story. Blessings to you as well.

  8. Jessica 02/19/2012 at 8:14 pm #

    So happy to have found your blog! I too, am married to a farmer.. we are currently in the process of building a dairy! We have been married 9 months, and like you, have been remodeling an old farm house ever since..I found your blog while playing around on the internet this past Friday night, my husband called me at work around 12-ish and said “Hey I’m going out of town this weekend, probably be leaving in a couple hours” And I thought, oh how nice, another Friday night home alone.. Somehow I didn’t realize this was part of the package! As I lay on the couch, bored and lonely, laptop in hand searching and searching “dairy, farm, wife, blog” haha.. Then I found you! I then realized you were sort of in the same boat as I, I feel for ya! It was somewhat comforting to know I’m not the only one having to deal with this! Again so excited to find someone to whom I can relate! It’s scary how similar our stories are, I’m a Jessica too!!! We live in NC! Although, I am a farm girl, this dairy stuff is new to me! I was raised on a broiler chicken farm and I now work for a local egg producer. Farming is all around me, I enjoy it and am pretty excited about the whole dairy thing! I’m excited to learn what it’s all about, especially looking forward to the babies!

    • the modern farm wife 03/12/2012 at 8:39 am #

      Jessica – what a great name. :) I’m so happy to meet you! And I completely understand the Friday nights alone. Hang in there!

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Two years of love. « Modern Farm Wife - 08/28/2012

    [...] day as well:  our two year anniversary. I’ve shared an abundance of mush on days such as our one year anniversary, Valentine’s Day, and the dairy man’s birthday, so I’ll keep things [...]

  2. What I’ve Learned from my Parents’ Marriage « Modern Farm Wife - 02/14/2013

    [...] 1: Marriage is not always equal One of the wisest things I’ve ever heard about marriage came from my mom. When Dairy Man and I first got married, I had delusions of a perfectly egalitarian relationship. I envisioned a line in the sand with “my duties” on this side and “his duties” on the other. But life is a little messier than that, especially during a farm wife’s first planting season. I was crying on the phone one night to my mom about being lonely, feeling like I was doing all of the work, and she said to me: “Jess, in a marriage you can’t be so concerned about things being perfectly 50/50. You both have to give 100 percent–all of the time. Things aren’t always going to be equal. You might have to take turns carrying the other. But you should both always try to give 100 percent. That’s what love is.” (Read more about this revelation here.) [...]

  3. 10 Things I Learned In August + 3 Year Anniversary | Modern Farm Wife - 08/28/2013

    […] I love that man more with each day. Despite all of the harvesting, late nights, life lessons, and manure, he always makes me laugh. I feel blessed to spend my life with him … and several […]

  4. When I Don’t Accept Farm Life With Grace. | Modern Farm Wife - 09/26/2013

    […] about perfect equality. There are times where we must carry each other. As my mom reminded me in my first year of marriage, “you can’t be so concerned about things being perfectly 50/50. You both have to give 100 […]

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