8 Things I Learned About Love From My Parents

14 Feb

On this overblown, Hallmark-ed, commercialized day called Valentine’s Day, I like to take a moment to think seriously about the loving relationships that have shaped my life and my own marriage.

Despite Dairy Man and I being pretty awesome already (and ever so humble), we have both learned a lot about happy marriages from our parents and grandparents.  All of the relationships were different, but each one taught us something important.

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As you can see, Dairy Man and I come from good-looking stock. And yes, my dad (bottom right) DID have a legendary ’stache on his wedding day.

Nearly everything I know about love comes from observing my parents. Those crazy kids have a quirky, steadfast love that has stood the test of 33 years.

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My parents aren’t showy, but it’s impossible not to soak up some marital goodness to apply to my own relationship. So, let’s take a stroll through Dave & Judy Marriage 101.

8 Things I’ve Learned About Love From My Parents

1: Love is not always equal

One of the wisest things I’ve ever heard about marriage came from my mom. When Dairy Man and I first got married, I had delusions of a perfectly egalitarian relationship. I envisioned a line in the sand with “my duties” on this side and “his duties” on the other. But life is a little messier than that, especially during a farm wife’s first planting season. I was crying on the phone one night to my mom about being lonely, feeling like I was doing all of the work, and she said to me: “Jess, in a marriage you can’t be so concerned about things being perfectly 50/50. You both have to give 100 percent–all of the time. Things aren’t always going to be equal. You might have to take turns carrying the other. But you should both always try to give 100 percent. That’s what love is.” (Read more about this revelation here.)

2: Show your children your love

I have absolutely no doubt that my parents love each other. They were free and easy with hugs and kisses in front of us kids (even amidst a chorus of “Eeeeeeeeewwww!!” and my mom swatting my dad away, “Dave, get off me!”) and weren’t afraid to say “I love you.” When Dairy Man and I have a family someday, I want to emulate my parents and make sure to thoroughly mortify and embarrass my children with a little Mom&Dad PDA.

3: Keep laughing

My parents are dorks. There are no two ways about it. They make up their own words and phrases (like “sugarjets” and “ookums”), tease, poke, and laugh. They don’t take life too seriously. Sometimes they even wrestle at Christmas.

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It’s easy to see how my entire family ended up being so weird.

4: Money isn’t important

My parents do not express love in gifts or extravagant experiences. It’s painful for them to spend money on “frivolous” things like soda at a restaurant or new shoes when the old ones don’t have holes yet. Basically they are good upstanding Dutch folk. Not surprisingly, my mom doesn’t really like flowers: “Why spend good money on something that’s going to die? I’d rather have a puzzle.” One year my dad found a way to get around this. While he was rollerblading, he saw some flowers growing alongside the road. Being the hopeless romantic he is, he plucked a bouquet and bladed it home. My mom was thrilled. Because she got flowers on her anniversary? No. Because my dad hadn’t spent a cent on them. That’s love, people.

5: Failure is not an option

It’s inevitable that parents will fight in front of their kids at some point. Mine were no different. But I still remember what they would tell us if we witnessed an argument: “Don’t forget, your dad/mom and I might fight, but I want you to know that we love each other very much and will be together forever.” They taught me early on that marriage vows are forever. My parents will be together for better and worse, in sickness and health, for richer for poorer, as long as they live.

6: Being happy is more important than being right

Over the years, I’ve noticed that the happiest times in my parents’ marriage were often after someone said “I’m sorry.” While there is great delight in being right (my dad and I delight in it just a little too much), it is a far more beautiful, loving act to let things go. If DM and I have a fight, the quickest way to happiness is for someone to let go of the need to be right.

7: Faith sustains a marriage

My parents’ marriage is founded on more than respect and love. They’re the first to admit that #5 would be impossible without God’s help. Every step they take as a couple stems from prayer and deep faith. This faith has sustained them through the best and worst that life has to offer.

8: Happiness is found in mutual hobbies

My parents became empty-nesters a few years ago when my little brother went to college. After getting reacquainted in this post-spawn world, they found a mutual love for hiking in the dunes by Lake Michigan. On one of their hikes, my dad stuck a large branch into the sand and tied a ribbon to it. Over many months, my parents added more ribbon and string to the branch. Other hikers did the same. There’s something wonderful and symbolic about this branch.

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I only hope to have a marriage as full of love and laughter as my parents. Or my in-laws (shout out to Kent and Vonnie) or grandparents (Bill and Shirley; August and Anne; Roy and Gloria; Marv and Virginia), for that matter. Dairy Man and I are surrounded by examples of steadfast, godly love.

And that’s something worth celebrating on this day of chalky candy hearts and overpriced roses!

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So, dear reader, now it’s your turn to share.
What have YOU learned about love from your parents, step-parents, or grandparents?

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17 Responses to “8 Things I Learned About Love From My Parents”

  1. Misty 02/14/2013 at 2:53 pm #

    This is beautiful Jess! The biggest thing I’ve learned is that, no, its not always easy, but it is so worth it, and such a beautiful gift to have a partner in life. I loved your point #6, I actually just did a therapy group on this exact topic. One of my ladies insisted that it was better to be right. She says, “I can’t help it, I’m stubborn” 😉

    • the Modern Farm Wife 02/15/2013 at 4:00 pm #

      Thanks, Misty! I love following your shiny new married life on Instagram. 🙂 And isn’t #6 so challenging? I have a much harder time with it than I care to admit. It’s SO GOOD to be right … haha.

  2. Holly Moon 02/14/2013 at 8:40 pm #

    We’re are quickly approaching our 40th wedding anniversary in June. We both have learned how important our individuality is to our partnership. We are very different people. Our unique strengths and weakness contribute to the whole of our relationship and the success of our marriage. We have truly learned how we complement each other.

    • the Modern Farm Wife 02/15/2013 at 4:03 pm #

      Wow, Holly, 40 years is a milestone! Congratulations. And I think you are completely right about individuality. DM and I would lead a very dull life if I cared about cows as much as he does! It’s nice for each person to have their own “stuff” to bring to the table.

  3. Momma B 02/14/2013 at 9:34 pm #

    Thanks for this great post Jess. I feel better about myself already. Dad and I thank God for our 3 + 1 Kids everyday. Family is the best. (and dogs). We love you.

    • the Modern Farm Wife 02/15/2013 at 4:05 pm #

      Mom, you and Dad are the bee’s knees! Thank you for your example. We love you too. Especially Jersey. He can’t wait to see his grandparents again.

  4. Anne Faber 02/15/2013 at 12:14 pm #

    Thank, Jess, for this loving tribute to your parents and the real meaning of love in marriage.
    We always love to observe the dynamics in your family. Love you all, Grandpa and Grandma

  5. fayefossay 02/15/2013 at 3:19 pm #

    What a beautiful post Jessica… I loved this so much!. My Farmer and I have been married for just over 15 years… and although marriage isn’t easy… the work that we do to make it work is VERY MUCH worth it! I love my Farmer… and everything that comes along with the package… cow shit included! 🙂

    • the Modern Farm Wife 02/15/2013 at 4:07 pm #

      HA! Your last sentence made me laugh out loud. Maybe my tagline should be “Life happens. Love happens. (Cow) $*&^ happens.” 😉 Congratulations on 15 years!

  6. lynne wyrick 02/16/2013 at 9:24 am #

    Jessica, I work with your mom, and she is a great, fun person to work with. I love her querkiness and word(isms) that she uses. She makes me laugh every day! You are so blessed to have a mom like her. She is such a positive person and does have ‘great’ inspiration, and great advice. Her love for her children and husband just beams when she talks about them! You are so blessed to have such a great family!!

    • the Modern Farm Wife 03/18/2013 at 3:37 pm #

      Lynne, I agree with everything you said! I’m glad you get a chance to soak up the awesomeness of Judy B. every day. 🙂 Thanks for stopping by my blog.

  7. shirley Bareman 02/20/2013 at 1:12 pm #

    Jess – This is so cool and so absolutely true! Grandpa and I had 50 years. Thank you Jesus.

    • the Modern Farm Wife 03/18/2013 at 3:37 pm #

      Grandma, your 50 years taught me so much. I’m blessed to have Christian examples like you and Grandpa. Love you!

  8. Val Dooyema 03/03/2013 at 7:30 pm #

    Hey Jess,
    Just randomly trolling the web, 2013 goal was to do less of this, not overly successful. love this post, and proud to be your mom’s cousin!!
    P.S. Saw your G & G Faber last week!

    • the Modern Farm Wife 03/18/2013 at 3:39 pm #

      Val, maybe you can consider my blog to be “market research” (farming is farming, right?) instead of random trolling? Thanks for your comment. Dairy Man is DYING to visit the chicken farm sometime in the next year or so. 🙂

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Checking In: 30 Before 30 | Modern Farm Wife - 07/30/2013

    […] than 50 percent of the time I am stubborn, opinionated, and bask in being right. But as my parents taught me, marriage (and life) is not about being right. It’s about compromise, humility, and grace. I […]

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